I saw a tweet the other day that made me laugh. It read “I wish there was a take your friend to work day so that friends could see you actually have a serious job”. Outside of technicals and play setups, even outside of morning routines and good night sleeps, there is a common question amongst traders. First, what do you tell people about what you do, but second, and the one I’m interested in addressing today, is how do you navigate family and friends respecting the time you spend in what you do?
A lot of times when we try to negotiate boundaries, we consider ourselves and our own needs first and foremost. This is usually when conflict arises, because negotiating boundaries means we need to adjust our needs and our asks according to what is also reasonable to those around us, those we care about. If we don’t take into account how our actions affect our loved ones, then we aren’t setting healthy boundaries, we’re just imposing a wall.
One of the biggest issues is access. I’ve heard a lot of traders say that when they work from home, their spouses or friends want unfettered access, because it doesn’t always seem like they are doing much, or they don’t know when in the course of a day is a good time to address things. The day for a trader is usually quite long when you add in pre-market prep, after hours earnings or crypto hours. It’s important then that you negotiate which hours are for your focus, and which hours are flexible for communication.
It’s also important to recognize which parts of the market you are watching more for interest and hobby, and differentiate that from the times when you are watching for setups/trades/learning and interaction. Sometimes when you’re deep in the markets, you never want to look away, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re actually active in a trade, or even scouting a setup, and when you recognize the difference, you can negotiate boundaries accordingly.
Prioritize. Too many times traders working around various hours of their jobs, or their housing lives are frustrated by the constant interaction of home life and trading life. Not setting clear boundaries has a cascading effect, those at home feel disregarded, and you feel frustrated for not being able to commit to either home or market.
One of the phrases that tends to work well with spouses and older children is this: I want to give you all my attention, since I’m in the middle of a trade/work/etc. right now, I can’t give you the attention you deserve, but I will be available to you at this (be specific) time. You can even be generic about this, reserving key market times like the first 120 minutes of the day and the last 60 minutes of the day as key focus times. But then when you give your time, you must give it, there must be the upside to those around you, a reason for them to respect your boundary, because then you respect theirs.
Which leads to the second aspect of this, which is making sure that you then separate your market time as work time. One of the problems with trading is that most people will look at it like gambling. And for good reason to be honest. In many situations the emotional impact the markets can take, the obsessive nature, the crossover with personal income and the ability to provide, or win back after a loss can spill over so much into your personal life that those around you might have great reason for worry.
The more you can separate your emotions from trading, the better you can structure your rules, your risk as a business plan rather than a hobby. The clearer you can become in your rules, your time, your risk, the more likely you are to walk away from a trading day as a job, something that you can leave in the office. If instead you are reckless, take bigger losses, FOMO, spiral out of control, the more likely you are to be stressed, depressed, frustrated. To lose sleep, to create negative health spirals, and to prove those who have a negative view of trading right.
Creating healthy boundaries, answering the questions of those around you, and creating the proper separation between family and trading mean taking a hard look at your own actions. How are you setting up your day, your time, your emotions to ensure you are acting in a way that those around you can trust and respect the boundaries you set and can happily take your needs for focus into account, because you act in a way they can trust. And more importantly, you act in a way that you trust yourself.
